Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the people Who have touched my life.

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I’ve been seeing a lot about men treating women wrong. Now things like rape and assault and domestic violence are wrong. No if’s and’s or buts.

I do want to point out that a lot just annoying or frustrating behaviors that women (and on the flip side men) complain about, while in part pushed by culture and genetics, Exist because they work. That guy isn’t bluntly hitting on every girl in the place because he doesn’t know any better, or has a low opinion or gender stereotype about women, he does it because it gets him laid. Pure and simple.

Why aren’t there more nice guys, because women don’t chase or say yes to nice, he’s boring with no chemistry, and a spineless doormat in more extreme cases.

There are many never acceptable behaviors, but there are many behaviors that exist because we enable them, and actively discourage the ones we want.

For women I’d strongly suggest you consider NOT looking for chemistry in the first few minutes, or perhaps even the first few dates. It’s stupid and shallow, period.

I’ve met many men who’ve studied exactly how to generate chemistry. There are endless books and articles and so on to teach it, from both good intention and bad, it’s an industry all it’s own. Small invasion of the personal space, crafted body language, crafted clothing, brief physical contact in the right manner,etc.. It’s more likely than not actually, the guy who cares about your opinion and reactions(doesn’t see you as just another play toy, i.e. respects that you are a real person_ is probably a bit nervous and worried about scaring you off or putting his foot in his mouth, or otherwise creating a bad impression. Some of you think you can spot the players, but if it were that easy they wouldn’t be very successful players.Yes there are bad players and good spotters, but there are also very good players and mediocre spotters.

“but it’s possible to be a nice guy and still be exciting and sexy” they say. Well yes, it’s harder and rarer though. Now take what makes a guy exciting and sexy then emphasize those attributes a bit, see how little gap it take to go from confident and assertive to the kind of self centered aggressive jerk who has trouble taking no for an answer because he’s so sure she wants it? See how much easier it is for that, toned down intentionally perhaps, to get a gals attention.

 Now compare that to the boring guy who will back down fast out of respect. Some women actually say no just to see if a guy will try hard enough to be worth her time, and thus blow it with a guy who actually respects her no.

Now I’m just scratching the surface, there are elements of evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology, The impact of culture and media, and many many more things. But all genders need to consider their own actions that encourage bad behaviors (as opposed to completely unacceptable or good behaviors) in both their own and other genders.  I’ll almost certainly hit on those at some point. Not to mention the roles of peers and parents.

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  Aspergers, I almost certainly have it.

What does that mean? 

It means it you don’t actually say it outright I don’t know it. I don’t read your expression, or between the lines or body posture.It means I don’t project tone of voice or expression or body posture well. It means I will ramble on about one subject and not realize you don’t care or want your turn to talk.I will sometimes interrupt inappropriately or interject myself into conversations I shouldn’t.

It means I will tend to be bluntly honest and not even think it might be rude. It means I don’t take things as fact without logical backing.

It means I have different reactions to textures, I like cotton, but highly synthetic fabrics tend to bother me. I like the flavor of strawberry well enough, but actual strawberries feel “wrong” in my mouth. 

It means the words and idioms I use are sometimes odd. 

It’s a pervasive condition based on how my brain is actually structured, So it’s not something I can medicate out of, it’s not triggered or conditional. it’s 24/7 and all I can do is learn coping skill. I can learn the meanings of various expressions, but I have to be consciously focusing on determining the meanings, and even then it’s limited to what I’ve learned so far and ability to focus on it (I also have add, added challenge here.). it’s as much a part of who I am as my size and eye color and gender. There is no point in blaming me for it any more than I should blame someone for being short or born without arms.

It means I tend to follow routines, set ways of doing things. With good habits this is a blessing, with bad not so much. It also means if you like things a certain way I’ll tend to do them the exact same way each time. It can also make it hard to build new habits, like changes in diet or exercise.

Difficulty with emotions, as in being overwhelmed by them, is also a common aspie trait. 

This is all fairly new to me, And I plan to eventually get a formal diagnoses. But to much of what I’m reading on the subject (obsessing over interests is another aspie trait) is dead bang on with me I have little to no doubt. 

It’s bringing a lot of things into focus, and in one sense it’s a relief. Though I do recognize it’s reduces my “special” status to myself for being so idiosyncratic at time. 

It also means I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I’m eager to get somewhere with that work, but the work itself I’m less sure of. I hope it’s interesting and not boring.

 

 

Aside